Comfortably Numb
by The Clan of Redundancy Clan
Summary: To understand how far one has come you have to know the road they have traveled.  Journey through Jasper's life from childhood and beyond. M for rape, language and dark themes!
1. Chapter 1

**! WARNING: THIS IS A DARK, DARK CHAPTER! RATED ME FOR LANGUAGE, RAPE, AND VIOLENCE! NO UNDER 18'S OR ANYONE WHO HAS A SENSITIVITY TO ANY OF THE ABOVE PLEASE!**

**AN: This is a new story and it is a collaboration between HammerHips, JaspersBella, and Givemesomevamp. Updates will be slow (we're shooting for every two weeks) until the conclusion of TQR and UYS, but our excitement got the better of us, as it often does, and now you're here reading this!**

**Special thanks to the fuckawesome JamesRamsey, our beta-extraordinaire, yeah we know you know she's awesome!**

**Also, to the fan-fucking-tastic pre-reader and fanfic friend three screwed up girlies can have, Stitchcat, we love her so damn hard. **

**FYI) Civil war slang: Big bug-important person See the elephant: Engage in combat**

**PROLOGUE**

_September 13, 1863_

I was just standing, staring at the dancing flames of the bonfire in front of me when Maria arrived back at the camp. All the moans and wails of agony were carried away by the wind along with the acrid smoke and the smell of death as I watched the bitch saunter toward me. She was fit to be tied; I could feel the fucking rage swirling around her like a typhoon, but I didn't regret my fucking decision. I spat out the excess venom that had begun to pool in my mouth from my new wave of anger and then put the steel back in my spine as she neared.

I'd followed every fucking order she'd given me without question until now, and if she chose to tear me to fucking shreds because of it, I'd go knowing that I'd held onto at least one sliver of my humanity despite her best efforts.

She approached me with her pet Javier at her side, and I stood as straight as I could with my head held high. I didn't care what she had planned for me because nothing could be worse than draining a child. I was tired of playing her fucking games for the last eight months; I had signed up to see the elephant, but not this elephant. I'd already lost everything that had made life worth living: my family, my friends, and my humanity. She'd taken my life.

Maria and her sisters had turned me into a fucking monster; a monster that could feel everything that others, monsters and innocents alike, were feeling. Not even in my skin was I my own man anymore. I was constantly surrounded by calamitous emotions: terror, hate, rage, humiliation, loss, and hopelessness. Yanked to and fro like washing hung on the line before a dust storm. Feelings ripped through me day by day and second by second, emphasized through the wails of hunger and shrieks of terror; if the feelings weren't detestable enough, I had to feel every fucking ounce of pain another felt when I took their life. It was a miracle I had survived as long as I had because the pain of death was crippling, especially with the knowledge weighing on your soul that you were the one that caused it. Every single fucking day was torture, so as she sauntered up to me, her big bug at her side, I was ready for my final death. I prayed for it; welcomed it with my stone arms wide open.

I wasn't such a fucking coward that I would have allowed one of the other newborns to rip me to shreds like many who couldn't adjust to this new hell after their initial craze ran its course; my Pop hadn't raised me yellow. There was just something in me that wouldn't ever stop fighting. Some might have called it the will to survive; some might call it grit, but I call it being a man. Now if I went out standing tall and clinging to that last bit of decency, that last shred of humanity I had clung to, then I'm alright with that.

But much as I thought I was ready for death, and as much as I fucking ached for the release I imagined would come with it, another part of me was terrified of what awaited me there; if anything awaited me at all. I was a soldier and I'd been trained to never rush head long into a situation without having a strategy, a stashed musket, some damn thing. My memories were murky and muddied from my human life though it'd not been that long ago, but I remembered my Momma; her calloused but tender hands and her words of wisdom that she always had handy whether I wanted to listen or not. Momma had taught us of a righteous and vengeful God, and I can't imagine anything I'd done in the last few months would sit right with him. Regardless, I'd face him for my comeuppance like the man I'd been and still tried to be.

Maria stopped in front of me and she waved over another half a dozen newborns, the most fierce besides me. I couldn't help the smirk that appeared on my face. I was fucking ready for her, and them. Yeah, the fighter in me might be at peace with facing his funeral pyre, but he was already choosing his tactics while picking his targets. Javier was at the top of my list: numero uno fucker. He was almost as wicked as Maria, and killing her lieutenant would definitely put a bee in her bonnet.

"Hold him."

The beast that had lain dormant within me as a human surged to the forefront, anticipating the inevitable battle. Three reached me first: two males and a female. Their names were John, Samuel, and Rebecca; they were about to die because my fighting instinct was too strong and the beast would rather kill them and damn my conscience and soul than let me die. And I cursed the beast, because I didn't want to be responsible for any more deaths while going to mine. I didn't want to feel the vicarious pain of having your head torn off your fucking body one more time. But Jasper Whitlock wasn't in control of his body anymore: the vampiric beast had smothered him, suffocated him to fill his desire to rip, tear, and kill.

Rebecca was the first to die. She was the youngest and the most straightforward with her attacks, so when she lunged for me, I dodged her, grabbing her from behind and sinking my teeth into her neck. The beast rejoiced at the metallic sound as her head separated from her body, while Jasper was overwhelmed with the physical and emotional pain.

I tossed her head into the fire as Samuel lunged at me from the side. I grabbed his arm and swung him around into the bonfire. The beast laughed as Samuel screamed in pain, watching him flail as he began burning, still whole and aware; Jasper was crying over the loss of another life lost at the hands of the beast: his beast.

John was the oldest of the three so he had the most control over his instincts. As I focused my attention on him, drowning out the screams of Samuel and the cackling laughter of that bitch, Maria; he hesitated long enough for the other three newborns and Javier to catch up to him, all of them jumping me at the same time.

I was still fighting as they took me to the ground; biting and tearing off anything I could reach. I felt the beast roar in delight as I managed to tear off Javier's hand, spitting his disgusting venom in one of the other newborn's face.

Apparently Maria had called over more newborns, because before I knew it, I was face down in the dirt, growling and still struggling.

She bent down over me and out of the corner of my eye I could see the psychotic gleam in hers as she whispered bewitchingly, "Major, I don't take kindly to insubordinance. You are an excellent fighter and you've entertained me with your little scuffle today, so I'll allow you to live. But, I think Javier needs to teach you a lesson. Javier?"

I couldn't see what was going on, but it didn't take me long to figure it out. The two newborns that were sittin on my backside and my legs moved outta the way, sitting on my ankles and yanking my legs apart while Javier ripped my trousers from my body. I registered the sound of his fingers slowly unbuttoning his own pants and the wrinkling of the fabric as he slid them from his body. Excitement and wrathful elation were pouring from him as he maneuvered around the newborns holding me down to straddle me; I was struggling harder than I ever had in my life as he began rubbing his dick on my backside.

Every muscle in my body was tense as I began panicking. I had witnessed Maria using sexual violations as a way to punish the females, but not the males; never the men. I was growling and yelling and bucking as I tried desperately to free myself. I could hear others gathering around as Maria allowed Javier to take away my pride and honor, replacing them with degradation and humiliation. Disgust.

As the others jeered him on, Javier said, "Keep struggling. I like it when you struggle, it adds to the fucking experience."

Maria laughed at his comments as he thrust into me suddenly, making me scream out in pain as I felt like I was being ripped in twain. I could feel my venom leaking freely from the fissures that he was creating with each brutal thrust, burning as they attempted to heal before being ripped open again with his movements. With every fucking thrust, he killed the hope in me; proving to me once and for all that the merciful God I'd once heard stories of, had forsaken the likes of me and it was all the better. I wanted no one else to see this.

I wanted to die and I would. How could a proud man allow himself to live after being sexually violated? The answer was simple: He couldn't and I was no different. The physical pain that consumed most of my thoughts and all of my body would end when Javier did, but the shame from being taken by another man? That stain was permanent and I couldn't live with it.

My mind began replaying the fuzzy thoughts of my human life that were locked in the deepest part of my subconscious mind as it tried to drown out what I was going through and salvage what was left of that time, that man I'd been: climbing a magnolia tree to fetch momma some flowers… braiding my sister's hair before bed-

He drove into me with more force as soon as I quieted and I felt the glee roll from him as I cried out once more, but gritted my teeth and clenched my jaw to assure it'd be the last time. I was trapped deep within my tortured mind, trying desperately to avoid the pain and humiliation of this moment; trying not to smell him, hear him, feel him, as he debased me with his actions.

The memories tried again: that romp in the back of my wagon with that girl from Georgetown… opening the orders that promoted me to Major Jasper Whitlock.

But that man was dead. I had tried so hard to be a good fucking man, to do the right thing, and it all fell apart. I had lost it all, and now that last sliver of humanity was dying a bit more with each thrust Javier made; a final death along with my pride and all that would be left was the beast.

I was tired of trying to hold onto that piece of me, trying to be the man that I was in the midst of death and destruction. I was tired of fighting against the smothering beast, the one that made me feel comfortably numb in my new life; the beast that allowed me to survive and even enjoy what I'd become. He was not responsible for this violation; it was childish to hold onto human values in a supernatural world because of my stubbornness. I was here, and here was where I wanted to die.

Fuck you, I won't let you break me, Javier.

The last sliver of Jasper Whitlock died with Javier's next painful thrust as I resigned to his pleas to put him out of his fucking misery and let him die. With that last thrust, there was a Change of Command within me and the beast, the Major, charged into battle, overshadowing everything that came before.

Something fractured within me. I could feel the energy of the beast tickling my skin all over like a feather, and it was building and churning in my stomach and in my chest. It kept growing until all the rage, anger, hate, and revenge burst from me like a balloon as a feral roar escaped from my throat.

Instead of dying, it felt like the man I was, floated out of my body. Watching everything take place, aware of what was going on, but detached from it all.

He saw the beast snap to attention within me, taking over every inch of my being. I could still feel the beast running through my body like a surge of electricity, giving it the strength it needed to fight back.

The beast's mantle had fully descended, nothing held aloft, and hell was going to follow.

I could feel my emotions spreading away from me, expanding and contracting like an easy breath, and the beast reveled in it. The growls and subsequent fights breaking out around me let me know everyone was feeling what I was feeling. Realization of this increase of power dawned on the beast as we channeled fear and terror, letting it expand from us as we watched the crowd flee; the newborns holding us down joining them.

The beast reached around and grabbed hold of Javier, jerking him from us, and rejoicing as we heard Javier's dick tear away from him as we threw his body over our head, watching him skid across the desert floor and delighting in his surge of fear.

As we stood up, we spared a glance at that bitch Maria; she was cackling wildly—we'd deal with her soon enough. We picked up his now detached dick before we stalked toward him; sweet revenge at the forefront of our mind. He was moaning and holding the spot where the tool he tried to break me with once was, his venom dripping from his remaining hand. We put our foot on his chest as we grabbed his arms and tore them from his torso slower than we normally would, reveling in his screams and feeding from his terror and pain.

He was kicking and flailing, trying to fight back, but we didn't care. We grabbed his hair and quickly flipped him over, putting his back against our chest as we growled out, "Keep strugglin' you sick fucker. We like it when you struggle; it adds to the fuckin' experience," before taking his dick and shoving it down his fucking throat, muffling his screams.

We quickly ripped his head from his shoulders and threw the rest of his body into the fire, watching it writhe and twitch as it burned. We held his cock-corked head up so he could watch as well, his eyes even wider with terror as we laughed maniacally at him.

Now for the rest of them.


	2. May14, 1855

**Rated M. Of course, if ya read the prologue then I shouldn't need to tell y'all that. **

**AN: Thanks for reading! We're gonna be skippin' around in our timeline a bit, so ya might want to pay attention to those dates at the top of the chaps. Just sayin'. Here he's ten, but we will be workin' our way back up to the prologue and beyond.**

**Thanks to our amazing pre-reader, Stitch-cat, and our wonderful beta, JamesRamsey! Kisses and hugs and glomps all around!**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all rights to the Twilight universe, and we thank her for letting us twist it.**

**May 14, 1855 **

"JW! Betsy's hair is taken care of and the boys fetched the eggs, but you'd better get on up before your Pa comes in fer breakfast and finds ya lazin' still in bed." My Ma never was a talker like some women-folk, but you start slackin' and that tongue sure gets a waggin'. Sometimes I did as I was told just to get her to stop talkin' me into a dizzy.

"Yes, ma'am." I groaned, peekin' out at the mornin' light comin' through my curtains. She was right; it was already bright out. What she didn't understand was that I was tired down to my bones. I decided I could wait just a few more minutes; if everything was already done, then it wouldn't hurt none.

Yesterday was Sunday. My Pa was a firm believer that ya didn't work on the Lord's Day unless it was harvestin' time or we were rustlin' the cattle off to sell. After goin' to the meetin' in the morn, we spent the afternoon up at the Evan's place for the picnic.

They already had their big house finished, and it sure was great. I couldn't wait till ours was done. I'd have my very own room and I wouldn't have to daub our cabin anymore. All of that dirt, manure, and other stuff mixed together may've kept the wind from a whistlin' through but it also stunk to high heaven for the first little bit. On top of it all, Pa said that he was even gonna paint the walls! Evan's house just had those Cedar panels. The nearest house with whitewash was in Austin. We were already the talk of the town, but Pa said it was all due to hard work and we shouldn't get big heads just cause he was buildin' a bigger house.

Thanks to that gold boomin' in California, we had more than enough to last through last winter and even a bit extra. It sure was a long drive for the cattle, but whenever I looked at the frame of our new place, the saddle sores seemed worth it.

I loved meetin' days cause the women folk always brought their best food. My stomach got to a growlin' just thinkin' 'bout Ms. Willie's fried taters. I know my Ma always brought her sweet tea. It was famous round these parts. Walkin' up with the basin of it, the men would always get to askin' my Pa, "Is that Mrs. Jane's Sweet Tea?" I don't know why they reckoned my Pa would be carryin' another woman's treat but I'm just a youngun still. Pa says things look mighty different when ya grow a few feet.

The best thing about meetin' time was gettin' to pal around with Thomas Walker. There's many a creeks in the county that branched off of the San Gabriel and it just so happened there was one within shoutin' distance of the church. We'd strip down to our breeches and dive on in.

Mr. Walker had even hung up a thick line of good rope with a great knot at the end. He'd done it back when Tom's brothers were our age. Tom was the youngest in his family, and I was the oldest in mine. When we'd finally had the arms to climb the length I don't think there was a cow in the county that didn't hear us whoopin' and hollerin'. Every time we met up there, we matched up to see who could make it to the branch the fastest. Two hours of that'll make your arms get to burnin' like a fryin' chicken. Durin' the heat of the summer, I 'magine it's 'bout as close to heaven as boy can get. But man, did it leave me tuckered out.

Next thing I knew, I was tossin' my quilt off of me and wet with sweat. It sure had warmed up in a few minutes time. Unless-

I opened my eyes just a bit, and there stood my Pa at the end of my bed that I'd shared with the twins since they were old enough not to roll off onto the floor. My hind end clenched, already expectin' the lickin' that I knew was comin'. We'd been taught since we were knee-high on Momma that a man that doesn't work, doesn't eat. Everyone works for his keep. But what did one little ol' day matter anyway?

Glancin' up at the man castin' a shadow in the doorway though, I was thankful I had my Momma's good sense not to ask such a thing.

" JW." Pa said, real quiet like. I gulped and sat up a on my elbow.

"Yes, Sir?" I answered real quiet too. It just seemed the thing to do.

"You sick, boy?" Now, I was mighty tempted to throw my arm across my head and fall back like Missy Andrews did when she was caught doin' wrong. I knew I'd get to miss chores and the strap that was probably itchin' to tan my hide right about now, but I was a man. Well, I wanted to be a man, and a man admits his wrongs and takes his punishment like he should. At least, that's what Pa said his Pa always told him.

"No, Sir." I said, juttin' my chin out. In my head I just kept repeatin': I'm a man. I'm a man. It's just a strap of leather. I'm a man.

"I see." The funny thing was that he didn't look ready to brawl. He looked almost sad, which was miles worse.

"I was just tired, Pa." I told him like it was, while I threw the quilt up and swung one leg out of the bed.

"Oh no, boy, you stay in bed." Pa said in that soft voice that he only used with my little sister, Betsy. "And when you feel like getting' on up and around, you help your Ma out in the kitchen." The kitchen was across the yard and it was no-man's land according to my father.

"But Pa!" I cried out. It was shameful for me to hide indoors and do woman's work while the younger boys worked with Pa. They'd have to carry my share of the tasks, too. I'd never be able to show my face around our table again!

"It's your choice, JW. But I won't be left scratchin' my head and wonderin' if ya got your chores done or not. I need someone I can count on. If that's not you and the man works too hard, you best say your peace now and tie on your apron strings." He said in his normal gruff tone.

I was out of that bed like that old devil himself was after me with his pitchfork. I was already pullin' on my boots when he nodded once and strode out of the room. I didn't slow down for the rest of the day.

I had this horrible achin' in my stomach all day. I didn't think it was from missin' breakfast either. It just kept burnin' away, and it pushed me to work harder to make up for my slackin' this morn.

When Betsy rang the call for lunch, I kept right on mowin' down the back field. I didn't think I could stomach any food anyhow. I already felt full, but not in the way Ma's big suppers made me feel. Pausin' to wipe the sweat before it dripped down and stung my eyes, I looked at my barely red hands and some of that naggin' feelin' eased up. I remembered when I noticed my first callous. I was so proud that I dropped the mallet I'd been poundin' fence stakes in with and rushed right off to show my Pa.

He jumped of his horse, took my hand in his rough ones, and examined it real close before tellin' me that my callous was somethin' to be proud of. It meant I'd done a man's day's work more than just a time or two. He ruffled my hair and went back to mindin' the steer and I strutted back to my task prouder than a peacock. I was only six. It's what you expect at that age.

I put my hat back on my head, and got to workin' again. I kept on until Betsy brought me out some water. Till then, I hadn't noticed how dry my mouth had gotten; my lips were scaly as one of them brown lizards Daniel and Robert liked to trap. When she was well on her way back inside, I started again and I worked till the sun was low and the field was cleared.

"Jasper!" I turned to see my father up on his brown mare that was as ornery as Pa hisself. "You did good, Son. Go get cleaned up for supper now."

I sure noticed my cracked lips when they split from my smile, but I didn't care. That horrible, guilt that had sat in the bottom of my stomach all day had been done away with some sweat and a few words from my Pa, and now, there was an achin' only Ma's hoe cakes and chicken could cure.

Pa had always told me that the women folk worked just as hard as us men, and we need to show them thanks for takin' such good care of us, so as I was runnin' home I made a beeline to my favorite magnolia tree. Magnolias were Ma's favorite flower, so I climbed the tree real quick like and picked three of the prettiest flowers I could reach.

I was proud of myself for not rippin' my trousers or crushin' the flowers when I climbed back down like I did last time. I hated givin' Ma more work by rippin' holes in my britches when I was tryin' to do somethin' nice for her. She always loved it when I brought her flowers, though, especially when they were from her favorite tree. She loved this old Magnolia tree so much that this was where Pa started buildin' her fancy new house. He said he picked this spot just so he could add a fancy picture window in the front and she'd be able to see her tree whenever she was doin' her lady of the house duties.

I ran the rest of the way back to the house as fast as my legs would carry me, runnin' straight through the briar patch and not carin' cause I was so hungry. I quickly washed up at the pump before smoothin' down my hair best I could and cleanin' my boots off before headin' into the kitchen.

I tucked one of the flowers behind Ma's ear, just like I always did, and she put the others in an old jam jar and sat 'em on the dinner table, scootin' the cornbread and the mud apples over to make room. My mouth was waterin' from the smell and I couldn't wait to dig in, but Pa works harder than any of us and Ma always said it was disrespectful to sit down at the supper table without him joinin' us.

I heard Pa tyin' his horse up outside and washin' up before he appeared quicker than a jackrabbit. We all sat at the table and Pa said grace, then finally I started shovin' food in my mouth as fast as I could without gettin' a scoldin. Pa said I worked hard today so I deserved a second helpin', and sure enough Ma filled my plate to the brim a second time and I ate every last bite.

As soon as we were all done eatin', Ma and Betsy cleared the table while Pa went to stable his horse and do his rounds one more time before bed. I snatched my study book outta my room and began doin' my lessons. I used to hate lessons, but both Ma and Pa told me it was important to educate yerself. If you didn't know how to read, write and work with numbers they said it would be easy to have the wool pulled over yer eyes when you do business and if I was gonna be the man of the house someday, I needed to make sure I could take care of my own. I was thinkin' so hard that I didn't notice when Pa came in, sittin' in his favorite chair to enjoy a drink and his favorite book before bed, and I didn't even notice when Ma lit the candle next to me so I wouldn't strain my eyes since it was gettin' dark.

When I finished up best I could, Pa checked my work tellin' me I did good and that I'd earned some rest. He was right on that account, I knew I did good. I was plum tuckered out, but wanted to show Pa he could count on me so I planned on tryin' my hardest to beat him outta the house in the mornin'. I gave Ma a kiss on the cheek and headed to my bed, pushin' the twins outta the way, and I was fast asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.


End file.
